Dating- Some Guidelines from Gurbani about Finding Your Life Partner
Introduction
Finding a life partner is a very important part of one’s life. With a right partner life can be bliss, with a wrong partner, it can be a constant struggle or downright misery. It is therefore very important to pay attention to the process that the young people should follow to find their partners for marriage.
There is also a taboo in the Punjabi culture to talk or discuss this process. Thinking like “what will people say” or misplaced emphasis on “family honor” are the major barriers in this process. This article is aimed to break these barriers and provide a framework to start a rational discussion on the subject.
Due to rapid advances in technology, education and globalization, youth are exposed to cultures and traditions far beyond what their parents had opportunity to. This is often causing a conflict and confusion in the families as the methods employed by previous generations do not seem to provide the appropriate solutions for finding a life partner in current situation. This is particularly true for many of the young Sikhs growing up in the diaspora or urban educated Sikhs in India as they are caught between two cultures, without having adequate guidance for understanding the processes in either.
It should be acknowledged that the process of finding a life partner can be complicated process. In the western nations, it is common for young people to date with several potential candidates, until they find the right partner. But this process has its flaws and has led to many broken hearts and failed marriages. Mushrooming of many online dating sites, each claiming to be the better than the other, is a testimony to the imperfections in the process.
The dating process as practiced in west is alien to the Punjabi/Sikh culture. Marriages are often arranged by parents with varying degree of consultation with children. Often too much emphasis is laid on dowry, family wealth, social status of families and physical appearance. With craze among Indian Punjabis to settle abroad, visa status of the partner also plays a significant role. Parents want to marry their daughters, while they are young and emotionally immature so that they can mold themselves to adopt the ways of their in-laws family. This puts the young brides in a perennial subservient position. This often encourages their verbal and physical abuse. If at any stage they become courageous enough to speak against this oppressive practice and protest, it leads to more abuse and then breakup of marriage. The resulting divorce and battle over custody of children ruins lives of both partners and has a long lasting adverse impact on the children. The court records in USA indicate that the cases of domestic violence are very high among Punjabis in the diaspora.
Governments in India and Punjab have enacted several laws to remedy this abuse, but laws can do only so much. There is need to rethink the whole process on part of the social and religious leaders. Fortunately for us, Gurbani in Sri Guru Granth Sahib provides us the perfect framework to rationalize this process.
Scope of this Article
In this talk we define “Dating” as a process for finding a life partner. We will lay down guidance for this process based on Gurbani.
While many religions treated the marital relationship between a man and woman as sinful or the family life as a barrier to salvation, Sikh Gurus elevated this relationship to the highest level of “purity” as that of a relationship between a devotee and Waheguru. They advised Sikhs to fulfill their duties to the family and society while always remembering Waheguru.
We will use the model used by Gurus for devotion of a Sikh towards the Waheguru to set guidelines for human life partners. This approach may sound rather idealistic; however, it gives us a goal that we should strive to achieve. Author hopes that this article will encourage more thinking on part of scholars, social scientists, parents and lead to more research on the subject.
The guidelines we provide apply equally to both genders. Gurbani assures us of an absolute equality of the two.
Phases of Dating
In view of the author the dating process should consist of at least three phases.
1. Logical Phase: Recognizing universal values in the partner for a successful married life based on Gurbani
2. Subjective Phase: Recognizing qualities in partner that will make him/her unique and attractive to you
3. Emotional Phase: This is the phase that will make you fall in love with each other and lead to the accomplishment of “?? ???? ??? ?????” concept emphasized in Gurbani for the married couples.
It is important that the process proceed in the order that is outlined above. We will return again to the importance of this order after discussing the first two phases in detail.
Logical Phase
Most young people beginning to date do not realize that purpose of marriage is to have children and raise a family. The responsibilities of this task are often beyond their imagination. Some of the challenges are communication with each other, earning enough to run a household as per one’s living standards, parenting to raise children with good ethics, good health, good education and as Gursikhs, keeping good relations with relatives on both sides, taking care of one’s own health and also meet all the social obligations. If the partners are not equ